Feel Your Feelings and Speak Your Mind

As the mother of two teenage daughters, I can say that I have parented them from the time they were little to "feel their feelings and speak their minds."   Instead of dealing with a temper tantrum, I used to say "use your words."  These messages are just as appropriate for us as adults, because when we don't check in on a regular basis, long enough to dial down the tension and activity, we may not be connected to how we feel and what our needs are.

When I led a Find Your Me workshop this past weekend, we talked about feelings and how connected they are to needs.  Feelings can be scary for some because there is no logic or rationale behind them.  If you feel sad, you are sad.  There was a song about this "It's my party, and I'll cry if I want to."  If you feel lonely despite being a member of a big family at a reunion, those feelings are real and deserve attention.  We don't ever have to defend feelings or explain them or justify them.  Furthermore, they are always shifting from one moment to the next.

We often characterize feelings like happiness, self confidence and joy as positive and feelings like fear, frustration or anger as negative.  The truth is that feelings don't benefit from labels like this.  Feelings don't need to be judged.  Because we have them, they are legitimate.  Because they exist, they deserve our attention.  Most importantly, feelings represent needs.  We are human beings not robots.  If our needs are not met in a healthy way--we find ways to meet them in unhealthy ways.

As a kid growing up with an athletic, successful, 6' 5" father who was a self made businessman, I remember hearing the words "I don't want to see tears."  I am one of three girls and two boys.  There were plenty of tears and drama in our household.  Let's imagine my dad meant well (?)--the message was not helpful in any way whatsoever.  It was a futile attempt to deny my feelings.  Furthermore, tears don't respond to commands.   On the other hand, I can also remember the funeral of my wonderful grandmother, my dad's mother.  Tears ran down his cheeks and onto the floor as they closed her casket.  I couldn't have asked him to stop those tears.  Grief was talking.

Checking in with our feelings allows us to slow down and become real.  We are not robots.  We are human beings capable of a wide range of feelings, emotions, needs and desires.   By slowing down long enough to notice what is really going on, we have a chance to use our words and ask for what we need.  We get to live a fuller life.  For example, if you are feeling overwhelmed with so much to do at home or at work and you stuff those feelings of stress and frustration, annoyance and anger can build.  Because you are not using your words, no one knows how you feel.   We eat feelings.  We gamble feelings.  We drink feelings.   We try to escape feelings with risky behavior.  How about just using your words?  How about imagining that your words will fall on soft ground and will be respected.   How about imagining that your feelings and your needs will lead to a less stressful and more authentic life where you can find yourself getting what you really want and need.  You deserve it.