Feel Your Feelings and Speak Your Mind

As the mother of two teenage daughters, I can say that I have parented them from the time they were little to "feel their feelings and speak their minds."   Instead of dealing with a temper tantrum, I used to say "use your words."  These messages are just as appropriate for us as adults, because when we don't check in on a regular basis, long enough to dial down the tension and activity, we may not be connected to how we feel and what our needs are.

When I led a Find Your Me workshop this past weekend, we talked about feelings and how connected they are to needs.  Feelings can be scary for some because there is no logic or rationale behind them.  If you feel sad, you are sad.  There was a song about this "It's my party, and I'll cry if I want to."  If you feel lonely despite being a member of a big family at a reunion, those feelings are real and deserve attention.  We don't ever have to defend feelings or explain them or justify them.  Furthermore, they are always shifting from one moment to the next.

We often characterize feelings like happiness, self confidence and joy as positive and feelings like fear, frustration or anger as negative.  The truth is that feelings don't benefit from labels like this.  Feelings don't need to be judged.  Because we have them, they are legitimate.  Because they exist, they deserve our attention.  Most importantly, feelings represent needs.  We are human beings not robots.  If our needs are not met in a healthy way--we find ways to meet them in unhealthy ways.

As a kid growing up with an athletic, successful, 6' 5" father who was a self made businessman, I remember hearing the words "I don't want to see tears."  I am one of three girls and two boys.  There were plenty of tears and drama in our household.  Let's imagine my dad meant well (?)--the message was not helpful in any way whatsoever.  It was a futile attempt to deny my feelings.  Furthermore, tears don't respond to commands.   On the other hand, I can also remember the funeral of my wonderful grandmother, my dad's mother.  Tears ran down his cheeks and onto the floor as they closed her casket.  I couldn't have asked him to stop those tears.  Grief was talking.

Checking in with our feelings allows us to slow down and become real.  We are not robots.  We are human beings capable of a wide range of feelings, emotions, needs and desires.   By slowing down long enough to notice what is really going on, we have a chance to use our words and ask for what we need.  We get to live a fuller life.  For example, if you are feeling overwhelmed with so much to do at home or at work and you stuff those feelings of stress and frustration, annoyance and anger can build.  Because you are not using your words, no one knows how you feel.   We eat feelings.  We gamble feelings.  We drink feelings.   We try to escape feelings with risky behavior.  How about just using your words?  How about imagining that your words will fall on soft ground and will be respected.   How about imagining that your feelings and your needs will lead to a less stressful and more authentic life where you can find yourself getting what you really want and need.  You deserve it.

Make Time to Sleep

In the fast paced world we live in, in this Technology Age, we are stimulated, over-stimulated, accessible and encouraged to be available and responsive to incoming callers, facebook posts, coworkers' emails, non-stop advertising...in short, information overload.  There is a tv at some gas stations and check out lanes in grocery stores.  This is more than my brain wants to handle.  Because there is so much stimulation and multi-tasking in daily life, it keeps our brain active and in a state of processing.  This can produce stress.

The body and mind need a break.  Taking some time out during the day can do the trick.  A short walk, an exercise class, reading a book, talking with friends can fill the bill.  At night, we need to set ourselves up for quieter time and restful, restorative sleep.  Creating a ritual or routine to quiet the body and mind starts a few hours before bedtime.  Turning down the lights, noise, stimulation and screens (that emit a blue stimulating light) is critical.  We are not robots.  We don't have ON/OFF switches.  We have to dial down the active part of the day and set ourselves up for a calmer evening and eventual slumber.  The bedroom is supposed to be cooler and free of "work" and clutter that is distracting and possibly stress inducing.

This all makes sense, but how often do we stay "UP" online or with netflix?  More often than we'd like.  A poor night of sleep results in fatigue the next day.  Hormones that help with weight loss--that regulate appetite and satiety don't function correctly with poor, interrupted sleep.  We end up eating more junky food and not feeling satisfied with healthy food.  This adds to frustration and more stress.

The morale of the story is that we have to make good "sleep hygiene" a priority.  Making time for quality sleep is part of taking good care of our health and wellness.  We owe it to ourselves to get the rest we need and want.  Both body and mind benefit.  When we are rested and restored, we can face the challenges of the day with confidence and positivity.   That is worth getting up for.

Interested or Committed?

Life is busy these days.  There is only so much time in the course of the day to accomplish what has to happen.  We have "must do" and "like to" and "if I have time, I might do" kinds of priorities.  Even so, even if we prioritize what has to happen and when, there is still something even more powerful that pushes these priorities--how much they really matter, how much we really care. 

For example, if I am committed to my exercise routine, I schedule it on my calendar, in advance, and when it comes up, I do it.  I don't debate or change my mind or even ask myself if I "feel like doing it."  I can honestly say this is a priority, and I keep it alive.  I am committed to it.  For me, exercise is more often than not a source of fulfillment and a big stress reliever, so I am very interested in making it happen.  

Let's take another example, like eating special occasion foods.  We all know that special treats (high fat or high sugar foods) will often entice us.  We can easily get sucked in at work or at a party and end up eating the very foods that we have worked so hard to avoid.  We may be committed to our healthy lifestyle but didn't actually carry out the plan.  Maybe not as committed as we might be next time?

We can't be perfect with anything.  That would be dull and not human.  We can, however, ask ourselves the important questions on a regular basis.  What do I have to do today?  What am I choosing to do today? What has to happen first, second, third?  What would I like to do today--first, second, third?  What would be nice to do today if I have extra time?  

Healthy eating, exercise, managing stress, sleeping well--these are healthy lifestyle priorities on most days. These are things that create a healthy body and mind.  They take time and attention.  The question to ask is: am I interested, or am I committed?  

If you've been passively interested in pursuing a healthy lifestyle but haven't risen to the challenge--now is the time to get started.  Fall is the season of letting go.  We have already let go of summer and its casual lifestyle. We are getting more structured in routines, and we can use that to help us.  

Make yourself a priority.  Make taking good care of yourself a priority.  Make your healthy life a priority. Commit to it.